What a difference a year makes. Last year, on this particular day, the weather was a little different; it started out raining, but all I could see was sunshine. I was happy, giddy, and so content. It was the man I love’s 39th birthday, and I had spent weeks preparing for the big day. I’m very sentimental, birthdays and Christmas have always been a huge deal in my family.
I woke up early and prepared the house for our birthday party for two. The day was truly special, starting with a birthday toast and gift-opening, to him expressing how overwhelmed he was with joy and verbalizing his appreciation, to the grand finale: our candlelight dinner in Manhattan.
The Reality of Today
Fast-forward a year later on this exact day, and I never would have imagined that we would be worlds apart mentally and, physically, two hours apart. On this day, I realized more than ever that the only constant in our life is Jesus Christ; He is the only certainty and assurance we have, and only He can provide everything we truly need.
Matters of the heart are never easy. I’ve been in love before, but not like this. I felt something I’ve never felt before, and I quickly identified what it was: I fell in love with my best friend, someone who was there for me when I needed them most. I’ve been dreading this day, his birthday, where I’m indecisive about whether I should text him and wish him a happy birthday or pray for him and wish him well in my heart. I eventually decided to pray for him and wish him a very happy birthday in my heart.
Finding the True Compass
I woke up feeling overwhelmed by so many emotions, but with utmost gratitude to my Heavenly Father for giving me this life to live with passion and purpose. I prayed, read my scriptures, and listened to Dr. Stanley for words of encouragement. I will be honest: I’m only human, so ruminating is normal at this point. However, there is a significant difference between October 13, 2020, and October 13, 2021 and that is God being the compass of the day and number one on the day.
I’ve always heard that God is a jealous God; in the past year, that has resonated with me more than ever. God should be first every day, and every single moment in our lives should be used to glorify Him. Last year on this day, I placed a man where God should have been. I woke up that morning and barely said a two-minute prayer; I immediately jumped into “party mode.” Looking back, I have to wonder what I was thinking. I gave the sovereign God, Creator of the universe, a lackluster greeting, and then I proceeded to give a man my entire time, energy, and affection for 48 hours.
The Purpose in the Pain
It didn’t take long for God to show me that no one, absolutely no one, deserves to occupy that place in my heart where He belongs. He showed me in the most fervent manner that man will disappoint me and break my heart, but He will always be the same. He will never change, and He won’t hurt me or break my heart. He showed me He will love me regardless of my flaws because He created me beautifully in His image.
On May 31, 2021, my heart was shattered; the damage and pain felt colossal. Tears kept flowing; however, it didn’t take me long to realize that God had allowed this to happen. He allowed my heart to break so He could save my soul. I was stubborn; He was calling me to serve Him wholeheartedly, and after four years of being saved, I was still serving Him halfway. He said, “Enough is enough! I want you, and I want all of you. How you revere him, I want the same and more.”
A New Foundation
Today, I started my day off on my knees. I glorified God and I kept Him at the forefront of my day. His presence was with me all the way. I read my scriptures and I worked my way through a very emotional day. My relationship with God is growing deeper and deeper, and today I don’t regret anything because I’m sure it all serves His purpose. God allowed me to remove a man from the pedestal where I had placed him, a place he had no business occupying. So, with God in my mind and heart, as I draft a vivid comparison between both days exactly a year apart, I can say that this year is the most fulfilling and peaceful. I thank God every day for calling me to walk according to His will; I thank Him for giving me everything I need.
I am a woman of God crowned with His favor. His goodness and mercy surrounds me. I am a daughter, proud big sister, aunt, cousin, and friend, most importantly I am a child of God. I’m an avid lover of nature and also a huge pet lover. I truly enjoy reveling in all God’s beautiful creation. I am an aspiring attorney and author, currently employed as a Child Care specialist, where I care for and teach children with special needs.
Reading is not only my hobby, it’s my medicine. I’m constantly learning and stretching my faith with the help of various Christian literature. Writing and uplifting others is another love of mine. God has turned my scars into beauty marks and I aim to help as many people as I can. God has given me so much, therefore, it’s important to me to bless others as I have been blessed.
